My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
