i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
