If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
