Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
My bed smells like the plague
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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