He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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