my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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