upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
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