my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
