so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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