he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
i want to swaddle you in tequila
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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