just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
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I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
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I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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