just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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