I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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