Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
