Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
i think i have herpe
just one?
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
