I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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