i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I could have mohawked her pubes.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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