He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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