i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
