Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
