New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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