it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
