so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
