I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
