Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
i just sent this text using only my big toe
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
