Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
