i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
