I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Randomize
