Please, let me fuck your mom
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Someone came in the potted fern
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
So here I am, sexting at work.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
