i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
