how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I think I just shit out all my problems.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
