just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Randomize