the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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