I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
