dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize