I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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