as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
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