when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
