I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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