How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
