I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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