According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
