i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
