I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
