I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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