I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
