So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
