mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
