Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
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