it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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