i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Randomize
