this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
