Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
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