He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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