Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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