theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
