Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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