I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Randomize
